Poetry

Showing myself (3): In real life

​The picture below is of a painting called Duality by Patricia Ariel.


“When there are so many lines to read… in between

So many words, phrases, sentences
Its easy to get lost in the unsaid
To connect dots that were never there
And I…
I become a conspiracy theorist when it comes to love and abandonment
So everything you say
And all you leave unsaid
Every smile
Wink, lick
Every meme
Emoji and gif
I categorize
I memorize
I analyse

I am like your magical machine
I take in everything
Your body language
Your language
Your silence
It all speaks to me

Speach in parables can be your down fall
When you eat, breathe and live words
They can kill you, hard.
Its hard to believe what anyone says they say the mean when you dont even believe the things you say
I mean
The abstract world is beautiful and deadly.
It is what you make it
And thats the problem
The medley of space, matter and silence without time
Creats gods of deception in my mind
I can be what i want to be there
I can make you fall love with me there

But here
I do fail
And you do fall
But time screws both of us over.

Thats why.
Thats why i’d rather spend my days
In an endless daze
Reading mind maps in my brain as i twirl my braids
Fighting in my mind, winning battles i couldnt count as victories in real life.

So in real life
(Whatever that means)
I am hidden
Unless you find me”

*mutheu*

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Poems

Showing myself (2)


ME

Stop protecting me from you
I want to know what its like
What you are like
Show me
Show me all your deep darkness
Let me see you
I know…
I know you’re unsure
And it seems weak to you
But who are you
Innocent?
Pure…?
No
None can corrupt or touch you when you dont give them access

I gave it to you
Im still here
Hurt…
Alone again.
Naturally

Im tired of giving people what they say they want
And being there later to see them regret asking for it.

Now

For me
Its more than meer curiosity
Its an itch
A need
I want to see you
And Me
So i can love
More…

Let me in?
Will you?

*Mutheu*

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Prose

Sharing myself (1)

*a quote from Trevor Noah’s book, Born a crime.*

Hi,

My name is Ivy. And i have trouble expressing my feelings to people. Note that i said TO people.

I write poetry, i sing and taught myself a few chords on the guitar. I like sports specifically netball and basketball. I enjoy watching them and playing them. (Haven’t since highschool though). I also enjoy watching movies and reading novels.


I love hugs.

I hate telling people how i feel about them. I hate being my true vulnerable self. Because im scared. That once everyone sees just how fragile i am they will either take advantage of me or take off in the opposite direction. (Emphasis on TAKE)

I am analytical and often turn that on myself. I analyze my personality too frequently. When i started i thought there was something wrong with me, with the way i think, very early in my life. That there was something wrong with me being able to turn off my emotions in favour of logic.

The truth is. I turn off and i shut down what i dont understand. And i dont understand emotions. Mine. Or yours. Thats why i write, sing and hug. Thats why i shout when im angry, why i switch off light switches and switches at sockets when they arent in use.

 I control what i can. I ignore what i cant.

It is why i text you asking basic questions that i know the answer to. Im reaching out to you with rhetoric.

I dont know how to say, “hi i need your help.”

Or “hi, im worried about you how are you.”

Or “hi, i love you. I want you back in my life.”

So,  i say…

“Hi, how much is that?”
“Hi, i want to talk to you.”
“Hi, im bored. What are you up to.”
“Hi, do you know where i can find this?”

Or just “Hi”

My name is Ivy, and i have trouble expressing my emotions directly to people.

*Mutheu*

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Prose

People are different.

Hi everyone 😊

So the title of this post seems like a painfully obvious statement right? But let me ask you…

How many times have u thought of changing someone? I have… I used to do it a lot. Then i stopped. I dont remember when, but i did.

Since then i have become a more accepting person. Now im less about fixing you and your problems and more about caring for you, loving you and helping if you let me. (Most dont and thats okay)

When i stopped wanting to change people i started settling into who i am and walking towards who i want to be.

The link below is to a youtube video by NigaHiga. Its about over dramatic people. I am one of those people and i wont change.
Deal with it.
πŸ‘‘βœŠπŸ’œ

*mutheu*

Watch “Over Dramatic People!” on YouTube

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Why i write…

Hi everyone.
I don’t know if you have ever wondered why my blog is called clayjars144.

Well,  clay jars comes from 2 corinthians 4:7. 

 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us”

When i read this verse i decided who i wanted to be…for the last time. I decided to be a vessel for God’s glory. I say this in the most honest, non pretentious way possible and i mean it. 

What that means to me is letting God use me and my talents to do his perfect will. 

To make it practical, my goal is to use whatever experiences i go through (or those around me go through) in my poetry to impact people positively.

So the treasure is poetry. And i am the clay jar. 

The reason i am clay and not gold or silver?

2nd timothy 2:19-21

Well, one reason could be to keep the focus off me and on God. To show that he is the one that enables me to do this.

And dont get me wrong, its not “clay” to “project humility”. I acknowledge the treasure in me, but i also know where it comes from…it comes from God above.

As for second Timothy if we take it as it is…it is simple. God knows who His children are and there is a certain way that they should behave if they are God’s children. “Depart from eniquity”

The way i undertsand this is…because we are of God, we should behave like him. So departing from eniquity means being like Jesus. (Jesus is God)

And being like Jesus is just that. In the gospels (Mathew, Mark, Luke, John) there are multiple examples of how Jesus behaved. Told from different perspectives, by multiple people. 

For me the summary is, Jesus loved without discrimination, he was helpful, authoritative, a good leader, just, giving, caring, kind, intelligent, wise. Jesus acknowledged his emotions, felt them and moved beyond them. 

That is what i should be.

Mark 1:21-22

John 11:33-36

Now the different articles/utensils (2 Tim 2:20-21), in the same house for different uses. 

My understanding is that us making an effort to be like Jesus (not us “following strict rules”, not legalism*will result in us being in a position to be used by God for his good work. It means that we can be our individual selves, with our own destinies and passions and still be used by God if thats what we want!

In summary, clay jars is me saying that i want to be used by God. I want him to pour out the treasure in me. I want him to help me do good for him. 

I am okay with being fragile and Christ-like. I am a work in progress.

This isnt like what i usually post, but i just needed you to know the answer to a question you didnt ask, lol.

Lots of love

*mutheu*

*legalism is dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith*

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Poetry

After all that

I felt more than i wanted to feel yesterday. And i am still processing. This is how i do it.
I dont understand why it is wrong
For me to feel what i feel
Why pain is something to get over
Not something to experience

Why me experiencing it
Makes you mad
Makes you uncomfortable
I love you
But i love myself to

And i will do whats right for me
Even when you dont understand
Im used to confusion
My own and that of others

So dont feel sorry for me
I hate that
Dont ask me whats wrong
I wont tell you

And maybe you are right
(You often are, eventually)
Maybe you wont be there when i am ready to talk.

But i know i will be okay.
But not until i am ready to be.
*mutheu*

I want this to be true. Its just that id rather feel what i feel than work to try and get rid of it.

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