Songs into the darkness

Somehow it still hurts
Not belonging to someone
I have tried being okay with it
But there is something in me that craves commitment

Is it the fear of being alone?
The fear of losing ones mind?
I think if you are alone enough
You see yourself too clearly
And everything you have done
Is naked before you
You look yourself in the eye
And you cry
Trying comfort yourself
As only you can

That’s the way things have gone for me.
And in my order.
You meet someone.
Declare love.
Change your mind.

But i know that are we not just bodies
Trying to cling onto other bodies
While our minds run away.
Our spirits, our souls.
Change with each encounter
And i don’t know who I am becoming anymore.
I don’t know if it’s me
But what would I be without all these mistakes?
All these decisions to connect?
You and I are constantly running away from truths
That we know deep in ourselves
Because honesty with self is too hard.

And it’s become a habit
Loving a friend as more than one
And not seeing anything beyond that.
I haven’t ever had anything beyond that.
More than friends with benefits
When the only real benefit is a delusion of a relationship.
We get to feel all the emotion without the commitment
And I have sold myself the lie that I don’t know what I want.
I like to think that I want to belong to someone.
I like to think that I can wait for that.
I have learnt that I can’t.

So I will keep thinking
Convincing  myself that I am okay
Either way
My time, energy and money
On things that fill me empty
Leave me hollow
Wanting more flesh
More fill
To be more full of something worth anything more than what I am right now.

And if you are honest
Tell me
What void are you attempting to fill?
Because late night poetry
Songs into the darkness
In the quiet
Help no one

Yet we still do this
Its empty release
Confused words
By an incomplete person.




When I feel like I can’t sing anymore
Words trapped  in my throat
Songs lost in my mind
I rely on you
It’s just us two

When my voice no longer says things I want it to
When breathing is a chore
Living is a bore
And hurting is all I know how to do
I rely on you

When no one can give me a reason
To keep fighting
To keep living
I take a deep breath
Breathe in
And I find
On you I can rely

I have known for a while
That every body hides
And even though no one says it
It’s okay not to be okay
For a while
I don’t need anyone to save the day this time
I have you.
I’ll be fine


I fell apart after you left today
I don’t know
Is it because I will miss you
As if you haven’t left and I haven’t missed you before?
Is it because I am falling so deeply into who you are and I am scared
That no amount of time and space will ever be enough for me to love you

I am left fragile
Tears streaming down my face
My heart preparing to be broken
Preparing for a funeral
Who is dying?
I don’t know

I worry that all the words we say
The time we spend
The way you make me smile by just breathing
That it won’t be enough
To hold this together

I worry that moments of passion are just that
That you will leave me
That I will leave you
And future plans
Future trips
Will die as thoughts

Maybe that’s what the funeral is for

I love you
Is that enough?


With myself
With him
With you
You demon of a human being
Been running around in my head trying to keep me down
Making me feel things that make me frown

With slow days that seem never ending
Long nights of silence that’s too quiet
No rain or rustling of leaves
No wind or chimes
But those would annoy me too

I am stagnant
Surrounded by caution tape and stop signs
Keep away
A hollow fool
A full on hollow fool lives here
Full of anger

I love you
I want you
I hate that i want the wanted
Always taken with the taken
And since i saw that you have what you
Need i
Need to be what you have to feel needed
Validation is pissing me off
I want to break this disquiet
But its all me
I am seasons of discomposure

I like setting limits that my body always surpasses
Running away from my feelings
And giving into them still feels the same
Its pain

Two different kinds of pain like
Starving myself hurts different from over eating
Insomnia and somnolescence
Imbibing versus tasty abstinence
Not having a place to escape too

And seeing you feels like heaven
Kissing you feels like Cassiopeia
Loving you feels like breathing
And seeing you leave feels like darkness

I feel that i should accept vexation as my portion
Feelings will always trick me into believing their permanence
I need to learn (I say to myself)
To accept (again)
That i cant love you towards me
I just need to love you from here as you walk towards her

To another season of celestial torment

Im suffocating under the weight of my words

*Black Bleeing Hearts*

Ivy Mutheu

Showing myself (3): In real life

​The picture below is of a painting called Duality by Patricia Ariel.

“When there are so many lines to read… in between

So many words, phrases, sentences
Its easy to get lost in the unsaid
To connect dots that were never there
And I…
I become a conspiracy theorist when it comes to love and abandonment
So everything you say
And all you leave unsaid
Every smile
Wink, lick
Every meme
Emoji and gif
I categorize
I memorize
I analyse

I am like your magical machine
I take in everything
Your body language
Your language
Your silence
It all speaks to me

Speach in parables can be your down fall
When you eat, breathe and live words
They can kill you, hard.
Its hard to believe what anyone says they say the mean when you dont even believe the things you say
I mean
The abstract world is beautiful and deadly.
It is what you make it
And thats the problem
The medley of space, matter and silence without time
Creats gods of deception in my mind
I can be what i want to be there
I can make you fall love with me there

But here
I do fail
And you do fall
But time screws both of us over.

Thats why.
Thats why i’d rather spend my days
In an endless daze
Reading mind maps in my brain as i twirl my braids
Fighting in my mind, winning battles i couldnt count as victories in real life.

So in real life
(Whatever that means)
I am hidden
Unless you find me”


Showing myself (2)


Stop protecting me from you
I want to know what its like
What you are like
Show me
Show me all your deep darkness
Let me see you
I know…
I know you’re unsure
And it seems weak to you
But who are you
None can corrupt or touch you when you dont give them access

I gave it to you
Im still here
Alone again.

Im tired of giving people what they say they want
And being there later to see them regret asking for it.


For me
Its more than meer curiosity
Its an itch
A need
I want to see you
And Me
So i can love

Let me in?
Will you?


Sharing myself (1)

*a quote from Trevor Noah’s book, Born a crime.*


My name is Ivy. And i have trouble expressing my feelings to people. Note that i said TO people.

I write poetry, i sing and taught myself a few chords on the guitar. I like sports specifically netball and basketball. I enjoy watching them and playing them. (Haven’t since highschool though). I also enjoy watching movies and reading novels.

I love hugs.

I hate telling people how i feel about them. I hate being my true vulnerable self. Because im scared. That once everyone sees just how fragile i am they will either take advantage of me or take off in the opposite direction. (Emphasis on TAKE)

I am analytical and often turn that on myself. I analyze my personality too frequently. When i started i thought there was something wrong with me, with the way i think, very early in my life. That there was something wrong with me being able to turn off my emotions in favour of logic.

The truth is. I turn off and i shut down what i dont understand. And i dont understand emotions. Mine. Or yours. Thats why i write, sing and hug. Thats why i shout when im angry, why i switch off light switches and switches at sockets when they arent in use.

 I control what i can. I ignore what i cant.

It is why i text you asking basic questions that i know the answer to. Im reaching out to you with rhetoric.

I dont know how to say, “hi i need your help.”

Or “hi, im worried about you how are you.”

Or “hi, i love you. I want you back in my life.”

So,  i say…

“Hi, how much is that?”
“Hi, i want to talk to you.”
“Hi, im bored. What are you up to.”
“Hi, do you know where i can find this?”

Or just “Hi”

My name is Ivy, and i have trouble expressing my emotions directly to people.