Those Forever Alone moments

You’re sitting in a mat
staring out the window
its raining
couple’s weather
and you are next to a couple
you are third wheeling them
they are your friends
keep missing and all to make it awkward for you
which is hilarious
cause it doesn’t really
cause you would do the same thing
its cute really
you thing they should be together forever

the fact that you are tired make everything seem worse
it seems like a forever alone moment
but it isn’t
its just a moment

and there us no one you would rather be with than yourself right now
and moments are just that
and memories are just there
as you sit in that mat
that traffic


About you

I said I wouldn’t
I know I shouldn’t
but allow me to get this off my chest
I have been admiring you for so long
from a far since the day we met
and all the serendipity
its killing me
cause I feel like we are the same person

but you suck though
you really do
are you an idiot
or are you just clueless
I love you

so the similarities
the smiles
the glances
all that and all the while
you see nothing in me
I’m basically screaming it out
though I try to keep my cool when you are around

your so cool
that walk
you are the first guy I have known to actually have swag
and not say it
its amazing
you amaze me
damn though you do

and its weird
how my opinion about you changes so much
as so often
this inconsistency
is constant
it ebbs and flows
like water
I guess its not love
its water.

but I need water to survive
not you
it can’t be water
its juice

That fine line

My dear, there are many fine little lines in this life I tell you. Many.

that one between love and obsession.
or what we humans define as love.
when he is all you think about
day in and out
all you want is to be with him
around him
by his side
ur obsessed not in love
love is his interests before yours
love is sacrifice. Will you make that sacrifice?

that other line between your thoughts and your actions
between what you see and what you imagine
what is real and what you want to be real

tell me love
when you analyze all they do
and calculate it in your head
what is the conclusion
what is the solution to the equation that you put them in
expecting that these random, unlikely variables, will some how give you a sign, a symptom, a glimpse of what you wanted, what you needed

and there is another line
want and need
you want to, you don’t need to
you need to, but you can’t seem o make yourself go through with it

buy you must cross that line sweetie
you have to

heart to heart

So I just came back from a fellowship and…i feel like it made such an impact that I must say something, so here it is.

I didn’t know this
but I have discovered that I have commitment issues
so I’m thinking if I can’t even commit to my Creater, my God, how can I commit to any man or anything.

it started when I was way young, didn’t really trust anyone fully. Always felt that secrets where being kept from me and I was like…suspicious of everybody.

I was also that girl wanting to be someone else, a different race, a different person, with a different name. Imagine searching for myself since I was like four. Wow.

so now, I can say that yes. I have found myself. Who I want to be, what I want to do , who I am.

and do you want to know how. God told me.
my creator looked and me and told me what he made me for. And I was like…huh ? Really?

and everything started to make sense. My lack of identity at the beginning, how my associations with people fluctuated from loving them to ignoring their existence, how I always felt like I was in some type of moral dilemma and it would pain me, literally when certain things where done. So now I’m like, huh… This God. This Jesus that I have been trying to serve all this time, since I was young, cause I grew up in a Christian home, He loves me. He loved me enough to die for me.

and He didn’t stop there, he made me, after he died for me and made me with a purpose. And told me what that purpose is.

this is why I have felt no one really understands me, the way I think, the things I say. I have been called weird and crazy by my friends. Boring and a statue by my classmates. Shy and timid and strangers. Emotional. Dramatic. People keep telling me to calm down, as if I am freezing out. They dont understand this is me. And this is how I was ment to be. I get excited about ordinary stuff, because I remember days when nothing would excite me, when I was filled with sadness. So I need to force smiles, make myself feel happy before I am happy. Be joyful on purpose.

so what if this is me ranting.let me rant. Lol

in conclusion, sort of, today I learnt that there is a place called heaven. And in this place i can be myself,I can find a home and this place is anywhere the presence of GOD is. Anywhere the HOLY SPIRIT is. Here it is okay to jump, shout random words, be ghetto, its okay to laugh when I worship, smile as I cry, be happy, be me.

and I love this feeling. This freedom that comes with carrying this gift of the holy spirit in me. That way no matter what happens, I always have a home, Jesus in me.