So I just came back from a fellowship and…i feel like it made such an impact that I must say something, so here it is.
I didn’t know this
but I have discovered that I have commitment issues
so I’m thinking if I can’t even commit to my Creater, my God, how can I commit to any man or anything.
it started when I was way young, didn’t really trust anyone fully. Always felt that secrets where being kept from me and I was like…suspicious of everybody.
I was also that girl wanting to be someone else, a different race, a different person, with a different name. Imagine searching for myself since I was like four. Wow.
so now, I can say that yes. I have found myself. Who I want to be, what I want to do , who I am.
and do you want to know how. God told me.
my creator looked and me and told me what he made me for. And I was like…huh ? Really?
and everything started to make sense. My lack of identity at the beginning, how my associations with people fluctuated from loving them to ignoring their existence, how I always felt like I was in some type of moral dilemma and it would pain me, literally when certain things where done. So now I’m like, huh… This God. This Jesus that I have been trying to serve all this time, since I was young, cause I grew up in a Christian home, He loves me. He loved me enough to die for me.
and He didn’t stop there, he made me, after he died for me and made me with a purpose. And told me what that purpose is.
this is why I have felt no one really understands me, the way I think, the things I say. I have been called weird and crazy by my friends. Boring and a statue by my classmates. Shy and timid and strangers. Emotional. Dramatic. People keep telling me to calm down, as if I am freezing out. They dont understand this is me. And this is how I was ment to be. I get excited about ordinary stuff, because I remember days when nothing would excite me, when I was filled with sadness. So I need to force smiles, make myself feel happy before I am happy. Be joyful on purpose.
so what if this is me ranting.let me rant. Lol
in conclusion, sort of, today I learnt that there is a place called heaven. And in this place i can be myself,I can find a home and this place is anywhere the presence of GOD is. Anywhere the HOLY SPIRIT is. Here it is okay to jump, shout random words, be ghetto, its okay to laugh when I worship, smile as I cry, be happy, be me.
and I love this feeling. This freedom that comes with carrying this gift of the holy spirit in me. That way no matter what happens, I always have a home, Jesus in me.