​Isaiah 61:3 (KJV)  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I remember being there. In that room. All alone. Yes, i was living alone. But in that moment i felt more than alone, more than lonely. I went to my knees. I didnt pray. I was crying. I remember saying, to no one in particular.

 “Whats wrong with me?”

I dug myself into a hole so deep. I dont even know how it happened. You stopped talking to me, all of you, all at once. I ate lunch by myself. Then went to an empty house by myself. I studied alone. Went to church alone. Went shopping on my own. I went out on my own.

These things didnt bother me until a few months ago. It was then that i realized what i thought was the truth. 

They dont care. They never cared about you.”

So i believed that i was alone. So i became what i believed. I spent my birthday alone. I didnt think i needed to remind you about the day i was born. I didnt think i was that insignificant that you would forget. I didnt think you would forget. You forgot.

I forgot that it doesnt matter whether you remember me. It matters that God does.

A month after my birthday. I hit rock bottom. I know why they call it that now. It is a cold place and no one ever knows you are there until you call out. I called out. I did it twice. I did it in the wrong way.

I lit myself on fire to send a smoke signal. I jumped into the ocean to prove I couldnt swim. 

I am glad and I am blessed. The people around me heard my whispers and the screams in my head. They told me what to do. I followed their lead. I climed out of the pit. They were the rungs on the ladder. Every hug, every smile, every day i saw anyone i knew make an effort. It is because of you that i am still alive.

God used you.

Jesus came to give us beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for the oil of mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
When my heart was so heavy that i couldnt breathe. I couldnt get out of bed. I couldnt bathe.I couldnt eat. I couldnt clean. I couldnt.
You got me up. God got me up. I am not ashamed to say it. I was depressed. I dont care if you read this or not. I am not writing this for likes or comments or attention. 

I am writing this for anyone who is where i was. I want you to keep screaming. Dont set yourself on fire. Just give me your hand. Whisper in my ear and i will do what i can to get you help.


Reach out.

I dont know you, but i love you.



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