Showing myself (3): In real life

​The picture below is of a painting called Duality by Patricia Ariel.


“When there are so many lines to read… in between

So many words, phrases, sentences
Its easy to get lost in the unsaid
To connect dots that were never there
And I…
I become a conspiracy theorist when it comes to love and abandonment
So everything you say
And all you leave unsaid
Every smile
Wink, lick
Every meme
Emoji and gif
I categorize
I memorize
I analyse

I am like your magical machine
I take in everything
Your body language
Your language
Your silence
It all speaks to me

Speach in parables can be your down fall
When you eat, breathe and live words
They can kill you, hard.
Its hard to believe what anyone says they say the mean when you dont even believe the things you say
I mean
The abstract world is beautiful and deadly.
It is what you make it
And thats the problem
The medley of space, matter and silence without time
Creats gods of deception in my mind
I can be what i want to be there
I can make you fall love with me there

But here
I do fail
And you do fall
But time screws both of us over.

Thats why.
Thats why i’d rather spend my days
In an endless daze
Reading mind maps in my brain as i twirl my braids
Fighting in my mind, winning battles i couldnt count as victories in real life.

So in real life
(Whatever that means)
I am hidden
Unless you find me”

*mutheu*

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Showing myself (2)


ME

Stop protecting me from you
I want to know what its like
What you are like
Show me
Show me all your deep darkness
Let me see you
I know…
I know you’re unsure
And it seems weak to you
But who are you
Innocent?
Pure…?
No
None can corrupt or touch you when you dont give them access

I gave it to you
Im still here
Hurt…
Alone again.
Naturally

Im tired of giving people what they say they want
And being there later to see them regret asking for it.

Now

For me
Its more than meer curiosity
Its an itch
A need
I want to see you
And Me
So i can love
More…

Let me in?
Will you?

*Mutheu*

Sharing myself (1)

*a quote from Trevor Noah’s book, Born a crime.*

Hi,

My name is Ivy. And i have trouble expressing my feelings to people. Note that i said TO people.

I write poetry, i sing and taught myself a few chords on the guitar. I like sports specifically netball and basketball. I enjoy watching them and playing them. (Haven’t since highschool though). I also enjoy watching movies and reading novels.


I love hugs.

I hate telling people how i feel about them. I hate being my true vulnerable self. Because im scared. That once everyone sees just how fragile i am they will either take advantage of me or take off in the opposite direction. (Emphasis on TAKE)

I am analytical and often turn that on myself. I analyze my personality too frequently. When i started i thought there was something wrong with me, with the way i think, very early in my life. That there was something wrong with me being able to turn off my emotions in favour of logic.

The truth is. I turn off and i shut down what i dont understand. And i dont understand emotions. Mine. Or yours. Thats why i write, sing and hug. Thats why i shout when im angry, why i switch off light switches and switches at sockets when they arent in use.

 I control what i can. I ignore what i cant.

It is why i text you asking basic questions that i know the answer to. Im reaching out to you with rhetoric.

I dont know how to say, “hi i need your help.”

Or “hi, im worried about you how are you.”

Or “hi, i love you. I want you back in my life.”

So,  i say…

“Hi, how much is that?”
“Hi, i want to talk to you.”
“Hi, im bored. What are you up to.”
“Hi, do you know where i can find this?”

Or just “Hi”

My name is Ivy, and i have trouble expressing my emotions directly to people.

*Mutheu*

People are different.

Hi everyone 😊

So the title of this post seems like a painfully obvious statement right? But let me ask you…

How many times have u thought of changing someone? I have… I used to do it a lot. Then i stopped. I dont remember when, but i did.

Since then i have become a more accepting person. Now im less about fixing you and your problems and more about caring for you, loving you and helping if you let me. (Most dont and thats okay)

When i stopped wanting to change people i started settling into who i am and walking towards who i want to be.

The link below is to a youtube video by NigaHiga. Its about over dramatic people. I am one of those people and i wont change.
Deal with it.
πŸ‘‘βœŠπŸ’œ

*mutheu*

Watch “Over Dramatic People!” on YouTube