*a quote from Trevor Noah’s book, Born a crime.*
My name is Ivy. And i have trouble expressing my feelings to people. Note that i said TO people.
I write poetry, i sing and taught myself a few chords on the guitar. I like sports specifically netball and basketball. I enjoy watching them and playing them. (Haven’t since highschool though). I also enjoy watching movies and reading novels.
I love hugs.
I hate telling people how i feel about them. I hate being my true vulnerable self. Because im scared. That once everyone sees just how fragile i am they will either take advantage of me or take off in the opposite direction. (Emphasis on TAKE)
I am analytical and often turn that on myself. I analyze my personality too frequently. When i started i thought there was something wrong with me, with the way i think, very early in my life. That there was something wrong with me being able to turn off my emotions in favour of logic.
The truth is. I turn off and i shut down what i dont understand. And i dont understand emotions. Mine. Or yours. Thats why i write, sing and hug. Thats why i shout when im angry, why i switch off light switches and switches at sockets when they arent in use.
I control what i can. I ignore what i cant.
It is why i text you asking basic questions that i know the answer to. Im reaching out to you with rhetoric.
I dont know how to say, “hi i need your help.”
Or “hi, im worried about you how are you.”
Or “hi, i love you. I want you back in my life.”
So, i say…
“Hi, how much is that?”
“Hi, i want to talk to you.”
“Hi, im bored. What are you up to.”
“Hi, do you know where i can find this?”
Or just “Hi”
My name is Ivy, and i have trouble expressing my emotions directly to people.