One story

I am finally realizing what love means

After years of guessing and being afraid to say it

Years of saying it and not knowing what it means

Now I say and mean it

I am in love with you

 

Its not as romantic as I thought it would be

Its practical and messy

Honestly you annoy me sometimes

Trying to solve everything like a puzzle or a sum

When I want to discuss it like a poem

 

When we started talking a year ago

I got the feeling I was a problem you needed to solve, I didn’t want to be

You called me insecure

Told me I needed help

 

I didn’t ask you to help me, but here you are.

 

I told you yesterday that its stupid of you to ask me to promise not to be someone that will nag you in the future.

 

Yes.

 

And its stupid for me to say I love you forever and always, when I just started

Its idiotic for me to want you here constantly and yet be so frightened that you will bore me.

It doesn’t make any sense that it feels like you’ve been mine for longer than I have been.

That I am so aware of every moment we’re together, I keep it logged in my mind.

 

How I feel

How I think you feel

How we breathe.

The way the sunlight touched your face in the matatu on our way home.

How you say home when you mean my place, when you mean me.

How you say you will never leave and I believe.

How I am crying as I write this.

 

I confess I have never felt this soft

As if loving one immensely makes you kinder

Pliable like the clay I am

Yet you have never tried to change my shape

More sensitive to everyone’s feelings and thoughts

More likely to take risks, to fall, not because you will catch me, but because you fall with me

More vulnerable to joy and pain

And for some reason closer to God, more likely to pray

More determined to stay by your side

 

I don’t ask that you don’t break my heart

Because I know I will survive that, I will love harder and deeper after that

I don’t ask that you stay, because I know you will

I ask that you would be honest with me

See me for who I am

Take in the aggression with the silence

The kindness and insults

The many mistakes

The physical pain and complaints

 

Hold out your arms and take me all in

I am yours.

 

And if you find yourself wishing you were anywhere else, with anyone else just tell me and leave.

 

Because you are too beautiful of a soul to live unfulfilled.

And I am too blunt of a sword to be wielded by someone that doesn’t know or understand my power.

I am a selfish lover, demanding to be your only weapon.

I am hard work, missed signals and misunderstandings.

Playing anything other only has never interested me.

 

Don’t try and keep me with promises of a flowery future.

I prefer wild creeping plants, deep greens and tall dark trees with lichen.

I can plant my own garden

But I chose to do it with you.

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