TWO FEELINGS

 

That feeling after a hot shower

My body warm and dry

Afro moist and shrunk.

Embracing my nakedness.

My body sighs as I sink into bed

Fresh sheets and cozy blankets

These are my small luxuries.

 

Memories of lovers past and present

Bodies intertwined in fantasy

Feeling the skin of another on mine

The breath of another in me

Those are my choices

Whether bad or good.

They are sweet

They are mine.

 

The crunch of lettuce in my mouth

A toasted sandwich in a café, alone.

Coffee burning my tongue, warming my chest, kissing my lips

My music plays in my ears

Only I can hear it

Only I dance

As I sit and eat.

This is my indulgence

 

It is the feeling of ecstasy

My mind empty of thought

Body moving at its own accord

Dancing to no music

Or music not at all my own

It’s a taste

It’s a feeling

Its freedom.

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Songs into the darkness

Somehow it still hurts
Not belonging to someone
I have tried being okay with it
But there is something in me that craves commitment

Is it the fear of being alone?
The fear of losing ones mind?
I think if you are alone enough
You see yourself too clearly
And everything you have done
Is naked before you
You look yourself in the eye
And you cry
Trying comfort yourself
As only you can

That’s the way things have gone for me.
And in my order.
You meet someone.
Declare love.
Commit.
Change your mind.
Leave.
Repeat.

But i know that are we not just bodies
Trying to cling onto other bodies
While our minds run away.
Our spirits, our souls.
Change with each encounter
And i don’t know who I am becoming anymore.
I don’t know if it’s me
But what would I be without all these mistakes?
All these decisions to connect?
You and I are constantly running away from truths
That we know deep in ourselves
Because honesty with self is too hard.

And it’s become a habit
Loving a friend as more than one
And not seeing anything beyond that.
I haven’t ever had anything beyond that.
More than friends with benefits
When the only real benefit is a delusion of a relationship.
We get to feel all the emotion without the commitment
And I have sold myself the lie that I don’t know what I want.
I like to think that I want to belong to someone.
I like to think that I can wait for that.
I have learnt that I can’t.

So I will keep thinking
Convincing  myself that I am okay
Either way
Wasting
My time, energy and money
On things that fill me empty
Leave me hollow
Wanting more flesh
More fill
To be more full of something worth anything more than what I am right now.

And if you are honest
Tell me
What void are you attempting to fill?
Because late night poetry
Songs into the darkness
In the quiet
Help no one

Yet we still do this
Its empty release
Confused words
By an incomplete person.

 

Cassy

Frustration
With myself
With him
With you
You demon of a human being
Been running around in my head trying to keep me down
Making me feel things that make me frown

Dismay
With slow days that seem never ending
Long nights of silence that’s too quiet
No rain or rustling of leaves
No wind or chimes
But those would annoy me too

I am stagnant
Surrounded by caution tape and stop signs
Keep away
A hollow fool
A full on hollow fool lives here
Full of anger
Rage
Impatience
Love

I love you
I want you
I hate that i want the wanted
Always taken with the taken
And since i saw that you have what you
Need i
Need to be what you have to feel needed
Validation is pissing me off
I want to break this disquiet
But its all me
I am seasons of discomposure

I like setting limits that my body always surpasses
Running away from my feelings
And giving into them still feels the same
Its pain

Two different kinds of pain like
Starving myself hurts different from over eating
Insomnia and somnolescence
Imbibing versus tasty abstinence
Not having a place to escape too

And seeing you feels like heaven
Kissing you feels like Cassiopeia
Loving you feels like breathing
And seeing you leave feels like darkness

I feel that i should accept vexation as my portion
Feelings will always trick me into believing their permanence
I need to learn (I say to myself)
To accept (again)
That i cant love you towards me
I just need to love you from here as you walk towards her

To another season of celestial torment

Im suffocating under the weight of my words

*Black Bleeing Hearts*

Ivy Mutheu

Showing myself (2)


ME

Stop protecting me from you
I want to know what its like
What you are like
Show me
Show me all your deep darkness
Let me see you
I know…
I know you’re unsure
And it seems weak to you
But who are you
Innocent?
Pure…?
No
None can corrupt or touch you when you dont give them access

I gave it to you
Im still here
Hurt…
Alone again.
Naturally

Im tired of giving people what they say they want
And being there later to see them regret asking for it.

Now

For me
Its more than meer curiosity
Its an itch
A need
I want to see you
And Me
So i can love
More…

Let me in?
Will you?

*Mutheu*

Assumptions (1)

Assumptions
Who are you to ask me who i am?
Hold up
You dont ask me, you tell me
Saying it one more time…”Your not kenyan”

I am not kenyan?
Me?
Well then…

Who made you the governing authority on all that is Kenyan?
Do you want to see my ID? My passport?
So there are white Kenyans, Indian Kenyans, but apparently Kenyans from the diaspora aren’t real kenyans?

Come again?
Is it cause my accent is different from yours?
Are the kikuyu and kamba accents the same?
The kisi and Luo and Luya?
Are they? No

So why does my accent amuse you?
Yes, yours amuses me
But i never question your nationality.
So what makes you think you can question mine?

I know my mother tongue…but no i dont speak it.
I know swahili, but i dont speak it that often..
Honestly because i don’t have the “swahili accent” (whatever that means) so you laugh when i speak like its a joke.
The only joke here is you thinking you can define a nationality by and accent.
Or even by knowledge of geography.
Or knowledge of language.
Or least of all personality.

I am tired of that question.
“Are you Kenyan?”
I am!

Can we move on now…

*if not…refer to the beginning of this piece cause im tired of your assumptions*

*Mutheu*

Nostalgia

Nostalgia got me caught in the rain yesterday. I got off at Kenyatta Hospital and was walking through the compound and the halls. It all came back to me. You came back to me.

So…TBT:

~~~~
13/12/15

First draft

I want you
Its like a constant ache
The sadness i felt when you took that call had me thinking i can’t do this anymore.
Tears began to form in my eyes.

I want you
Its like a primal need.
More than attraction.
A step beyond fondness.
Your warmth, like a soft glow from the radiant sun on a cold winters day.
Your kiss
A sweet serenade i have become accustomed to, but it still gets me excited.

The feel of your beard on my face and skin.
A soft tickle, brush bristles on the canvas of my soul.
You make me feel wanted
Your hand protecting me as we cross the road.
Lingering behind when i follow.
Your strong shoulder always there for me to lean on.
Your smile
The way your eyes decrease in size.
As if to make room for it.
And what makes you happy is beyond what is seen.
Your laugh…

You looked so handsome today
Shirt and tie
Formal wear
Turning me on like…
I don’t know
I wanted to get you alone

Seeing you with patients
Attentive
Caring
Gentle
And in that labcoat…

I should have stayed
But i didnt want you to see that side of me
This madness that ensues when im in this mood
And all my emotions motion me into gloom

You can’t see all of me
You can’t feel all of me
You may not want anymore
Or worse still, you may

You gestured to the word love on that sign
I that you too
You say you like me
I like you too, i really do
~~~~

Lol….sooo….as you can see i have been this dramatic for a while 😆
I hope you also see i’ve improved as a writer.
I hope to keep getting better.

Lots of love
Forever the romantic.

*mutheu*

FAST and Hard…

Moving beyond yourself is so hard.

But once you do its hard to stop.

Its hard to start.
Reaching out when you’re the one who needs a hand to help.
A hand to hold.
Or just a high five.
Or a wave.
Or a smile, even if its fake.

Its difficult.
To feel someone else’s pain when you dont understand your own.
It sucks
Being in pain and having to smile.
It hurts.
Having to wait to be loved.
By people who dont love themselves.
People who don’t try you.
So how can you be more important than them?
When self love is a foreign concept…
You assume this but…

I can’t stress this enough.
You give the love you think you deserve.
So its hard.
For those of us who love hard and fast.
To love those who can’t decide.

Those who won’t confirm and always conform.
Won’t show up.
Won’t be there.
Physically or mentally.
Won’t support.

Because they don’t do that for themselves.
You assume
Dont expect them to do that for you.

This jouney has been long, i’m still running.
I passed tired on my way here.
Crossed the bridge of the hopefull over the river of helplessness.
Was high on want and started hallucinating
I went off the cliff of thought.
Dove into the abyss.
Into the bottomless pit of faith.
I had hope in my love.
But the black hole i found and the end…
Though beautiful…was a symbol of all your sweet nothings.
One giant empty promise of a future i couldnt lose…cause i never had.

I live in heartbreak hotel now.
Hearbreak warfare is my life.
My heart is more empty than my pockets.
Yet more full than my thoughtful mind.
There is a boy i know, he is the one i dream of.
He is the one i cant have.
He is the one ive given up on.

There is a man i know
One that i may have it bad for.
And im trying to GO SLOW.

But its against my nature.
Please understand.
And its okay if you dont…but i..
I love.
Fast.
And hard.

Inspired by recent events.
And the following people: lovers, daredevils.
Joy, Eunice, Usher Raymond, John Mayer, Whitney Houston, Sharon and Angie.
And a bunch of others….

*Mutheu*

Link in Bio for more.