Sweet sense of self

Maybe I don’t like you in the way that you think I do. Maybe I just want to be calm… Like you.

Your level of zen makes me question myself.
What I want
Who I am
I hadn’t met you before now
But that quiet in your eyes
That stillness on your lips

The way you craft silence out of words
The way you attract my attention

Your lips, still but speaking to me
The flutter of your eyelashes calling me

I am not into you in the way you think.
You aren’t my muse… But damn I wish you were.

I am not asexual.
I am not sexually attracted to you.
But damn I wish I was. That would explain everything.


This heart ache would make more sense
.

This love in my heart would make sense.
These dreams where I hold you close… Make sense.

I don’t love you.
I want to be you.
Does that make sense?

MUTHEU wa Mbula

Xxx

To my babies.

Baby, it’s too early in the morning for resentment.

 

Please have your tea, eat your brekie and breathe.

 

The world and its shit will be there when you are done with your me time.

 

So let the apple cinnamon tea in and take your time with your conquest.

 

Your magic isn’t short lived or fast acting.

 

It’s slow and savory, and succulent, sour and sweet.

 

And slow acting, slow in speech and has grammatical errors and unfinished sentences…

 

But it is your poems Ivy.

It is your magic Susan

It’s your power Joy

It’s your picture Sieg

Its your genius Nick

It’s your heart Eu.

It’s your love Srishti.

It’s your words Alex O.

 

 

I dedicate this post to my tribe.

And to the five years I have spent on this Platform.

To WordPress for allowing me to

Pour myself out for myself and for you guys, and for my readers.

 

This space has opened up my eyes, heart, soul and mouth. It has given me courage.

 

I love you all.

 

Xxx

 

MUTHEU WA MBULA

 

Ivy sumbi

 

IV

Best friend.

There is only so much you can do. Only so much you can give until you are empty.

 

Empty.

 

So empty that your mouth dries up and you can’t form words. You have no words left to love yourself.

 

When you are cold, and lonely in a crowd of people that you know love you.

 

You KNOW they love you.

 

But you don’t believe it.

 

Because you love differently and you expect them to be the difference you need.

 

You show up, you show out, you buy gifts, you start conversations, you end conversations. You give space and take up space.

 

You are loud and sharp and vulnerable. And alone.

 

You are.

Alone.

 

 

And isn’t it the best feeling ever baby…?

 

Doesn’t it feel good to be still, and quiet for a few hours.

 

For 12 days.

For 12 months and a year.

 

And eventually you will want to talk again, but they won’t be here.

 

And maybe, that’s okay.

 

In the end we are our own best friends.

In the end…

 

 

Xxx

Mutheu wa Mbula

TWO FEELINGS

 

That feeling after a hot shower

My body warm and dry

Afro moist and shrunk.

Embracing my nakedness.

My body sighs as I sink into bed

Fresh sheets and cozy blankets

These are my small luxuries.

 

Memories of lovers past and present

Bodies intertwined in fantasy

Feeling the skin of another on mine

The breath of another in me

Those are my choices

Whether bad or good.

They are sweet

They are mine.

 

The crunch of lettuce in my mouth

A toasted sandwich in a café, alone.

Coffee burning my tongue, warming my chest, kissing my lips

My music plays in my ears

Only I can hear it

Only I dance

As I sit and eat.

This is my indulgence

 

It is the feeling of ecstasy

My mind empty of thought

Body moving at its own accord

Dancing to no music

Or music not at all my own

It’s a taste

It’s a feeling

Its freedom.

Songs into the darkness

Somehow it still hurts
Not belonging to someone
I have tried being okay with it
But there is something in me that craves commitment

Is it the fear of being alone?
The fear of losing ones mind?
I think if you are alone enough
You see yourself too clearly
And everything you have done
Is naked before you
You look yourself in the eye
And you cry
Trying comfort yourself
As only you can

That’s the way things have gone for me.
And in my order.
You meet someone.
Declare love.
Commit.
Change your mind.
Leave.
Repeat.

But i know that are we not just bodies
Trying to cling onto other bodies
While our minds run away.
Our spirits, our souls.
Change with each encounter
And i don’t know who I am becoming anymore.
I don’t know if it’s me
But what would I be without all these mistakes?
All these decisions to connect?
You and I are constantly running away from truths
That we know deep in ourselves
Because honesty with self is too hard.

And it’s become a habit
Loving a friend as more than one
And not seeing anything beyond that.
I haven’t ever had anything beyond that.
More than friends with benefits
When the only real benefit is a delusion of a relationship.
We get to feel all the emotion without the commitment
And I have sold myself the lie that I don’t know what I want.
I like to think that I want to belong to someone.
I like to think that I can wait for that.
I have learnt that I can’t.

So I will keep thinking
Convincing  myself that I am okay
Either way
Wasting
My time, energy and money
On things that fill me empty
Leave me hollow
Wanting more flesh
More fill
To be more full of something worth anything more than what I am right now.

And if you are honest
Tell me
What void are you attempting to fill?
Because late night poetry
Songs into the darkness
In the quiet
Help no one

Yet we still do this
Its empty release
Confused words
By an incomplete person.

 

Cassy

Frustration
With myself
With him
With you
You demon of a human being
Been running around in my head trying to keep me down
Making me feel things that make me frown

Dismay
With slow days that seem never ending
Long nights of silence that’s too quiet
No rain or rustling of leaves
No wind or chimes
But those would annoy me too

I am stagnant
Surrounded by caution tape and stop signs
Keep away
A hollow fool
A full on hollow fool lives here
Full of anger
Rage
Impatience
Love

I love you
I want you
I hate that i want the wanted
Always taken with the taken
And since i saw that you have what you
Need i
Need to be what you have to feel needed
Validation is pissing me off
I want to break this disquiet
But its all me
I am seasons of discomposure

I like setting limits that my body always surpasses
Running away from my feelings
And giving into them still feels the same
Its pain

Two different kinds of pain like
Starving myself hurts different from over eating
Insomnia and somnolescence
Imbibing versus tasty abstinence
Not having a place to escape too

And seeing you feels like heaven
Kissing you feels like Cassiopeia
Loving you feels like breathing
And seeing you leave feels like darkness

I feel that i should accept vexation as my portion
Feelings will always trick me into believing their permanence
I need to learn (I say to myself)
To accept (again)
That i cant love you towards me
I just need to love you from here as you walk towards her

To another season of celestial torment

Im suffocating under the weight of my words

*Black Bleeing Hearts*

Ivy Mutheu

Showing myself (2)


ME

Stop protecting me from you
I want to know what its like
What you are like
Show me
Show me all your deep darkness
Let me see you
I know…
I know you’re unsure
And it seems weak to you
But who are you
Innocent?
Pure…?
No
None can corrupt or touch you when you dont give them access

I gave it to you
Im still here
Hurt…
Alone again.
Naturally

Im tired of giving people what they say they want
And being there later to see them regret asking for it.

Now

For me
Its more than meer curiosity
Its an itch
A need
I want to see you
And Me
So i can love
More…

Let me in?
Will you?

*Mutheu*