Poetry

After all that

I felt more than i wanted to feel yesterday. And i am still processing. This is how i do it.
I dont understand why it is wrong
For me to feel what i feel
Why pain is something to get over
Not something to experience

Why me experiencing it
Makes you mad
Makes you uncomfortable
I love you
But i love myself to

And i will do whats right for me
Even when you dont understand
Im used to confusion
My own and that of others

So dont feel sorry for me
I hate that
Dont ask me whats wrong
I wont tell you

And maybe you are right
(You often are, eventually)
Maybe you wont be there when i am ready to talk.

But i know i will be okay.
But not until i am ready to be.
*mutheu*

I want this to be true. Its just that id rather feel what i feel than work to try and get rid of it.

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Poems, Poetry

Nostalgia

Nostalgia got me caught in the rain yesterday. I got off at Kenyatta Hospital and was walking through the compound and the halls. It all came back to me. You came back to me.

So…TBT:

~~~~
13/12/15

First draft

I want you
Its like a constant ache
The sadness i felt when you took that call had me thinking i can’t do this anymore.
Tears began to form in my eyes.

I want you
Its like a primal need.
More than attraction.
A step beyond fondness.
Your warmth, like a soft glow from the radiant sun on a cold winters day.
Your kiss
A sweet serenade i have become accustomed to, but it still gets me excited.

The feel of your beard on my face and skin.
A soft tickle, brush bristles on the canvas of my soul.
You make me feel wanted
Your hand protecting me as we cross the road.
Lingering behind when i follow.
Your strong shoulder always there for me to lean on.
Your smile
The way your eyes decrease in size.
As if to make room for it.
And what makes you happy is beyond what is seen.
Your laugh…

You looked so handsome today
Shirt and tie
Formal wear
Turning me on like…
I don’t know
I wanted to get you alone

Seeing you with patients
Attentive
Caring
Gentle
And in that labcoat…

I should have stayed
But i didnt want you to see that side of me
This madness that ensues when im in this mood
And all my emotions motion me into gloom

You can’t see all of me
You can’t feel all of me
You may not want anymore
Or worse still, you may

You gestured to the word love on that sign
I that you too
You say you like me
I like you too, i really do
~~~~

Lol….sooo….as you can see i have been this dramatic for a while 😆
I hope you also see i’ve improved as a writer.
I hope to keep getting better.

Lots of love
Forever the romantic.

*mutheu*

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Poetry

Heartbeat


I breathe you in slow
Its a reflection of how i want to love
Then i inhale it all fast as i look deep into your soul
I hope you see me
I show you in my eyes
What my lips cant speak
I show you with my body
What my eyes dont say
And when i show you with my heart and the words of my mouth
You run away
I won’t say its okay
Its not

And i am not pretty
Nor am i beautiful
I am profound, formidable, enchanting
I wont make you see that.
I used to work so hard on imposing my awesome on everyone
Making my greatness clear
But what is great is that it didn’t work
People who thought of me as less than continued to do so
And so i saw the truth
People will do what’s good for them
So i will too

After all
I am just passing through
I am determined to be good to those
That i find on my path
But their smiles dont light it up
God does
My dreams do
Ambitions, affirmations, action
Faith will pull me through

I believe
I am no longer afraid of myself
My faults and flaws are beautiful
My scars are pretty
My darkness is life
My pain is progress

Heart still beating fast
From my last encounter with what i thought was love
When all the love was within me
Heartbeat slow from realization
Epiphanies sedate me
But my heartbeat is kept
So till my last breath
I will breathe life in
Take adventure into my lungs
Gulp it down and sometimes sip slow
But i will never stop trying
I will never let myself go
But you….i can live without…
With or without you all…i will thrive

*mutheu*

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Poems, Poetry

FAST and Hard…

Moving beyond yourself is so hard.

But once you do its hard to stop.

Its hard to start.
Reaching out when you’re the one who needs a hand to help.
A hand to hold.
Or just a high five.
Or a wave.
Or a smile, even if its fake.

Its difficult.
To feel someone else’s pain when you dont understand your own.
It sucks
Being in pain and having to smile.
It hurts.
Having to wait to be loved.
By people who dont love themselves.
People who don’t try you.
So how can you be more important than them?
When self love is a foreign concept…
You assume this but…

I can’t stress this enough.
You give the love you think you deserve.
So its hard.
For those of us who love hard and fast.
To love those who can’t decide.

Those who won’t confirm and always conform.
Won’t show up.
Won’t be there.
Physically or mentally.
Won’t support.

Because they don’t do that for themselves.
You assume
Dont expect them to do that for you.

This jouney has been long, i’m still running.
I passed tired on my way here.
Crossed the bridge of the hopefull over the river of helplessness.
Was high on want and started hallucinating
I went off the cliff of thought.
Dove into the abyss.
Into the bottomless pit of faith.
I had hope in my love.
But the black hole i found and the end…
Though beautiful…was a symbol of all your sweet nothings.
One giant empty promise of a future i couldnt lose…cause i never had.

I live in heartbreak hotel now.
Hearbreak warfare is my life.
My heart is more empty than my pockets.
Yet more full than my thoughtful mind.
There is a boy i know, he is the one i dream of.
He is the one i cant have.
He is the one ive given up on.

There is a man i know
One that i may have it bad for.
And im trying to GO SLOW.

But its against my nature.
Please understand.
And its okay if you dont…but i..
I love.
Fast.
And hard.

Inspired by recent events.
And the following people: lovers, daredevils.
Joy, Eunice, Usher Raymond, John Mayer, Whitney Houston, Sharon and Angie.
And a bunch of others….

*Mutheu*

Link in Bio for more.

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Poetry

Sweet and sour (4): Mourning

In the hollow of the morning
When sleep is still fresh in my eyes
I question everything
My intensions
My love

My love
The love i wish i had
That love only you can give
I like to play you out in my mind like a song
To hear your voice on repeat in my ears
Feel each note in my soul

And oh…

On my skin
Marks of passion long gone
I wish they were yours

I have so many songs in my mind
I hope against all that the right ones will fade in time
And when i see you again
I know i will hide
I will try
Retreating into myself
For some relief
Cause i believe

You will never love me like i do you
You will never want me like i do you
And i am taken
Aback by my longing
That should have expired by now
But that time is but an instant in eternity
And time, it doesnt heal instantly
Wouldnt let it if it tried
I like
To have every image of you linger in my mind
But ill go to blackness
It is necessary when i go back
Back to sadness
My love
I am
Mourning in the morning

*Mutheu*

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Poetry

Different (1)

When someone tells you to reach for the stars.
Will you?
Whose shoulders will you sit on to catch the moon
Whose smile will you ride on?
Or will you sail to the end of the earth on a sea of tears and jump to catch your dreams with fear as your parachute?

They say you wont go far
How unrealistic?
How unusual?
You want to be a what?
Oh…thats just a hobby
Its just a pass time
You will grow out of it
Tell me, can you grow out your skin?
Shed your opinions?
Can you step out from the box of your mind on to the glass ceiling of possibilities?
And scream without fearing it will shatter?
No matter
I will not be talked down from my mountain top.
I refuse to be defined by these boundaries you set.
These clear lines do not light my path.

I have come to realize that the earth is flat
As flat as coke left out too long
Pop
Deflated by pointed opinions
People pointing fingers
And so you got off your mountain
She got off hers
He got of his
No one is willing to reach out anymore
To reach up any more
To jump to heights never before reached.
And to jump down
With their insecurities as their safety net
And fear as their parachute.
*Mutheu*

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Poems, Poetry

Sweet and sour (3)

I love you with energy
It changes form so often
But your essence always remains
You are love’s memory
A thought somewhere at the back of my mind
I love you like regret
Like failure
Like a second change ill never get at this love
I love you like pain
I love…

You like healing
You who pulled me out of darkness
You are made of darkness
Made me laugh
Made me feel that intesity again
The kind that distance cannot conquer
It grew
You grew on me and i cant let you go
My heart says no
I…

Love what i saw
In your eyes that night
You were unexpected
Unpredictable like a winter’s rain
I wont let this end
I will hold on to you
I need
You

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