Lesson 1

Someone should have told me.

That the reason you never stop being disappointed.

Is because you never stop hoping.

 

And the reason you can never stop hoping is because, despite what you think you feel.

You can never stop expecting.

Those who say stop expecting are pretending.

To be dead inside.

They are scared to be alive.

Scared to be lonely.

 

Fear is the most useless emotion, especially if used incorrectly.

 

They let the world scar them and shape them into whatever form it wishes.

Convincing themselves that they are being independent, in thought or action.

Using their silence as rebellion.

Not knowing of any other weapon in their arsenal.

 

All their quiet does is speak volumes to their inaction.

All their talk in private, behind each others’ backs, and right in each others’ faces.

Is Useless.

 

I discovered the obvious today.

I am not them.

Being separate from the collective is who i am.

Being me: Bold, brilliant and Ballzy.

Is all i need to be.

 

As for those individuals with mouths wide open.

Overflowing with words trained to sting.

And tongues like daggers, made to injure and maim.

 

Keep this in mind.

Many have tried to quench me.

And here i am, still. standing.

You are your own problem.

 

That is all.

 

Kiss this beautiful, black ass or…

Fight me.

 

FOUR

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simple.

Simply

 

He seems so

Unemotional

Staring blankly at the pot of boiling stew

Staring into the food he makes

As he makes food I look at him

Gazing…

 

I think about him more than he knows

The skill he uses to do seemingly normal things

Holding that spoon

Spinning that knife

Smiling that its been a while since I’ve seen you smile

Smile

 

He makes me think home is a person

That looking at him is looking at me

Starring in our future

Together

 

I’m not scared anymore

That’s one thing I’ve noticed

I am not afraid

I am filled

Filled with anger sometimes

Full of sadness most times

But full

Overflowing with love

 

Your singular focus

Focused on me

Focused on you

Eyes are what I first see when I see you

 

I want you to know

That this is real.

That I mean it when I say forever

 

See truth in me and don’t be afraid.

Two people

Your  existence means everything to me
It means its true
God makes people for people and for himself
He made you
Calm and formidable
Talk, dark, handsome
And then some
Stronger than any mountain i have ever climbed
With your father’s charm and looks
And your mother’s heart
Your sisters’ hands
Your brothers’ minds
A love for charity and children like i have never seen
A kindness and caring at a level that shouldn’t exist
You shouldn’t exist

I remember telling God i didn’t want a soldier.
The pain of losing him seeming more than the joy of his presence
I would sit there and underestimate a love i had no idea about
I had no intention of taking a bite out of this
Making you my meal
I’d belittle myself, self hate goes deep.
Not knowing that my ability to build these bones back up would become astronomical.

God did not crown me fragile
My diadem resembling ice and pain.
He made me a soldier.
A weapon.
I didn’t know

That He would gift me with a soul so precious
That i can’t write one poem about him without  crying.
Gushing.

It is as if He took all i lack and part of who i am
Breathed life into it and gave it a name.
A perfect parcel of His love for me in human form
A gentle giant castle
With rooms a many i am yet to explore.
A mind like inception met Dr Manhattan
Someone i don’t even have to try to respect
Or love
I do
Like I am.
I can’t picture my life without you

This love burns
In my flesh and blood
Skin and bones
Soul, mind, spirit

You are magic, i mean it.

One story

I am finally realizing what love means

After years of guessing and being afraid to say it

Years of saying it and not knowing what it means

Now I say and mean it

I am in love with you

 

Its not as romantic as I thought it would be

Its practical and messy

Honestly you annoy me sometimes

Trying to solve everything like a puzzle or a sum

When I want to discuss it like a poem

 

When we started talking a year ago

I got the feeling I was a problem you needed to solve, I didn’t want to be

You called me insecure

Told me I needed help

 

I didn’t ask you to help me, but here you are.

 

I told you yesterday that its stupid of you to ask me to promise not to be someone that will nag you in the future.

 

Yes.

 

And its stupid for me to say I love you forever and always, when I just started

Its idiotic for me to want you here constantly and yet be so frightened that you will bore me.

It doesn’t make any sense that it feels like you’ve been mine for longer than I have been.

That I am so aware of every moment we’re together, I keep it logged in my mind.

 

How I feel

How I think you feel

How we breathe.

The way the sunlight touched your face in the matatu on our way home.

How you say home when you mean my place, when you mean me.

How you say you will never leave and I believe.

How I am crying as I write this.

 

I confess I have never felt this soft

As if loving one immensely makes you kinder

Pliable like the clay I am

Yet you have never tried to change my shape

More sensitive to everyone’s feelings and thoughts

More likely to take risks, to fall, not because you will catch me, but because you fall with me

More vulnerable to joy and pain

And for some reason closer to God, more likely to pray

More determined to stay by your side

 

I don’t ask that you don’t break my heart

Because I know I will survive that, I will love harder and deeper after that

I don’t ask that you stay, because I know you will

I ask that you would be honest with me

See me for who I am

Take in the aggression with the silence

The kindness and insults

The many mistakes

The physical pain and complaints

 

Hold out your arms and take me all in

I am yours.

 

And if you find yourself wishing you were anywhere else, with anyone else just tell me and leave.

 

Because you are too beautiful of a soul to live unfulfilled.

And I am too blunt of a sword to be wielded by someone that doesn’t know or understand my power.

I am a selfish lover, demanding to be your only weapon.

I am hard work, missed signals and misunderstandings.

Playing anything other only has never interested me.

 

Don’t try and keep me with promises of a flowery future.

I prefer wild creeping plants, deep greens and tall dark trees with lichen.

I can plant my own garden

But I chose to do it with you.

Run out.

Is there much of a place for someone who can’t accept criticism? Can’t build on people’s well ment comments. Can’t add to themselves.

Is there any room for one who insists on who  they are without getting to know who that is and what that means?

I mean what room is there for growth without making the effort to discover how?
How do i sit here and be. Waiting to change. While consciously, purposefully avoiding all chances of that happening?

Listen.

There is self acceptance from self knowledge. Bringing self love.

And there is self deception.
A laziness from words stored inside you wont let out. There is fear of judgement from people who are better or worse. There is pretending you dont care and that this is not something you want. Or wanted.
There is jealousy of the successes of those who give enough of a fuck to put in the work. There is envy for the success and recognition you dont deserve.

There is me. Running around with all these words. Unwriten. If written, unpublished. If published unperformed. If performed not effective. Inneffective. I am.

Is there any room, any place at all for a poet who has run out of words? Out of buildings. Out of steam.

Reliant

When I feel like I can’t sing anymore
Words trapped  in my throat
Songs lost in my mind
I rely on you
It’s just us two

When my voice no longer says things I want it to
When breathing is a chore
Living is a bore
And hurting is all I know how to do
I rely on you

When no one can give me a reason
To keep fighting
To keep living
I take a deep breath
Breathe in
And I find
On you I can rely

I have known for a while
That every body hides
And even though no one says it
It’s okay not to be okay
For a while
I don’t need anyone to save the day this time
I have you.
I’ll be fine

Enough

I fell apart after you left today
Why?
I don’t know
Is it because I will miss you
As if you haven’t left and I haven’t missed you before?
Is it because I am falling so deeply into who you are and I am scared
That no amount of time and space will ever be enough for me to love you

I am left fragile
Tears streaming down my face
My heart preparing to be broken
Preparing for a funeral
Who is dying?
I don’t know

I worry that all the words we say
The time we spend
The way you make me smile by just breathing
That it won’t be enough
To hold this together

I worry that moments of passion are just that
That you will leave me
That I will leave you
And future plans
Future trips
Will die as thoughts

Maybe that’s what the funeral is for

I love you
Is that enough?