Prose

Sharing myself (1)

*a quote from Trevor Noah’s book, Born a crime.*

Hi,

My name is Ivy. And i have trouble expressing my feelings to people. Note that i said TO people.

I write poetry, i sing and taught myself a few chords on the guitar. I like sports specifically netball and basketball. I enjoy watching them and playing them. (Haven’t since highschool though). I also enjoy watching movies and reading novels.


I love hugs.

I hate telling people how i feel about them. I hate being my true vulnerable self. Because im scared. That once everyone sees just how fragile i am they will either take advantage of me or take off in the opposite direction. (Emphasis on TAKE)

I am analytical and often turn that on myself. I analyze my personality too frequently. When i started i thought there was something wrong with me, with the way i think, very early in my life. That there was something wrong with me being able to turn off my emotions in favour of logic.

The truth is. I turn off and i shut down what i dont understand. And i dont understand emotions. Mine. Or yours. Thats why i write, sing and hug. Thats why i shout when im angry, why i switch off light switches and switches at sockets when they arent in use.

 I control what i can. I ignore what i cant.

It is why i text you asking basic questions that i know the answer to. Im reaching out to you with rhetoric.

I dont know how to say, “hi i need your help.”

Or “hi, im worried about you how are you.”

Or “hi, i love you. I want you back in my life.”

So,  i say…

“Hi, how much is that?”
“Hi, i want to talk to you.”
“Hi, im bored. What are you up to.”
“Hi, do you know where i can find this?”

Or just “Hi”

My name is Ivy, and i have trouble expressing my emotions directly to people.

*Mutheu*

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Prose

People are different.

Hi everyone 😊

So the title of this post seems like a painfully obvious statement right? But let me ask you…

How many times have u thought of changing someone? I have… I used to do it a lot. Then i stopped. I dont remember when, but i did.

Since then i have become a more accepting person. Now im less about fixing you and your problems and more about caring for you, loving you and helping if you let me. (Most dont and thats okay)

When i stopped wanting to change people i started settling into who i am and walking towards who i want to be.

The link below is to a youtube video by NigaHiga. Its about over dramatic people. I am one of those people and i wont change.
Deal with it.
👑✊💜

*mutheu*

Watch “Over Dramatic People!” on YouTube

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Prose

Why i write…

Hi everyone.
I don’t know if you have ever wondered why my blog is called clayjars144.

Well,  clay jars comes from 2 corinthians 4:7. 

 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us”

When i read this verse i decided who i wanted to be…for the last time. I decided to be a vessel for God’s glory. I say this in the most honest, non pretentious way possible and i mean it. 

What that means to me is letting God use me and my talents to do his perfect will. 

To make it practical, my goal is to use whatever experiences i go through (or those around me go through) in my poetry to impact people positively.

So the treasure is poetry. And i am the clay jar. 

The reason i am clay and not gold or silver?

2nd timothy 2:19-21

Well, one reason could be to keep the focus off me and on God. To show that he is the one that enables me to do this.

And dont get me wrong, its not “clay” to “project humility”. I acknowledge the treasure in me, but i also know where it comes from…it comes from God above.

As for second Timothy if we take it as it is…it is simple. God knows who His children are and there is a certain way that they should behave if they are God’s children. “Depart from eniquity”

The way i undertsand this is…because we are of God, we should behave like him. So departing from eniquity means being like Jesus. (Jesus is God)

And being like Jesus is just that. In the gospels (Mathew, Mark, Luke, John) there are multiple examples of how Jesus behaved. Told from different perspectives, by multiple people. 

For me the summary is, Jesus loved without discrimination, he was helpful, authoritative, a good leader, just, giving, caring, kind, intelligent, wise. Jesus acknowledged his emotions, felt them and moved beyond them. 

That is what i should be.

Mark 1:21-22

John 11:33-36

Now the different articles/utensils (2 Tim 2:20-21), in the same house for different uses. 

My understanding is that us making an effort to be like Jesus (not us “following strict rules”, not legalism*will result in us being in a position to be used by God for his good work. It means that we can be our individual selves, with our own destinies and passions and still be used by God if thats what we want!

In summary, clay jars is me saying that i want to be used by God. I want him to pour out the treasure in me. I want him to help me do good for him. 

I am okay with being fragile and Christ-like. I am a work in progress.

This isnt like what i usually post, but i just needed you to know the answer to a question you didnt ask, lol.

Lots of love

*mutheu*

*legalism is dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith*

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Pics, Prose

Growth (1): End of quote week.

I saw this picture about a year ago. And if i look at what i have achieved since then i am astonished. Words are magic if you let them change you.

I believe that no matter who you are or what you believe in you were made for a reason. I have discovered my purpose, my reason for living.

Its to help people with poetry. Its to help people heal and heal myself with words. To use all i have and all i am to create joy.

 I hope i have helped you, inspired you and encouraged you in some way so far. Or at least helped you to know you’re not alone.

And your not.

Pain has many faces and many names.

You won’t always have someone to talk to. But you will have my blog to read when you need it.
Lots of love

*Mutheu*

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Poetry, Prose

Relearning (1):Dreams

I close my eyes and i think
Of all things i dreamt of as a kid.
The things i swore i knew were posssible in my mind. The things that only childhood brings.

The thing is…
Im not a child anymore.
Flying dreams became falling dreams became dreams of falling in love became the reality of heartbreak.
The monsters in my nightmares are now the monsters in my life.
Ghouls and goblins wave at me in the streets of this big city.
And i cant seem to catch a break. Or a breath. Or hope. Or my dreams.

They are like a double edged sword. Giving you hope initially and despair when unfulfilled.
They are illusive sleep to the insomniac. They tease you and leave you lonely.
Flirt with you and leave you horny
They bait you, leave you wanting.
They break you.
So im left running.

Dreams are for children.
They are the kryptonite to my adulthood.
They hold onto me like regret
Now i cant stop having them.

I will swallow the bitter with the sweet.
And i will learn how to fly again.

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Pics, Poetry, Prose

Sweet and sour (2): Late nights


​I spend so much time thinking

If my mind was a clock it wouldnt just have twelve numbers
It would have symbols and shapes
Of varous sizes and shades
As the hands move, slow…

Causing thoughts of you tug at my subconscious

What are you doing right now?
Where are you?
How are you?
All these in a long list questions that ill never ask
And you will never tell.

I fell
In love with you
Then i grew
Into this love for you
And i found myself stuck
Waiting has never felt more frustrating
Patience is trap when you feel you cant move on.

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