One story

I am finally realizing what love means

After years of guessing and being afraid to say it

Years of saying it and not knowing what it means

Now I say and mean it

I am in love with you

 

Its not as romantic as I thought it would be

Its practical and messy

Honestly you annoy me sometimes

Trying to solve everything like a puzzle or a sum

When I want to discuss it like a poem

 

When we started talking a year ago

I got the feeling I was a problem you needed to solve, I didn’t want to be

You called me insecure

Told me I needed help

 

I didn’t ask you to help me, but here you are.

 

I told you yesterday that its stupid of you to ask me to promise not to be someone that will nag you in the future.

 

Yes.

 

And its stupid for me to say I love you forever and always, when I just started

Its idiotic for me to want you here constantly and yet be so frightened that you will bore me.

It doesn’t make any sense that it feels like you’ve been mine for longer than I have been.

That I am so aware of every moment we’re together, I keep it logged in my mind.

 

How I feel

How I think you feel

How we breathe.

The way the sunlight touched your face in the matatu on our way home.

How you say home when you mean my place, when you mean me.

How you say you will never leave and I believe.

How I am crying as I write this.

 

I confess I have never felt this soft

As if loving one immensely makes you kinder

Pliable like the clay I am

Yet you have never tried to change my shape

More sensitive to everyone’s feelings and thoughts

More likely to take risks, to fall, not because you will catch me, but because you fall with me

More vulnerable to joy and pain

And for some reason closer to God, more likely to pray

More determined to stay by your side

 

I don’t ask that you don’t break my heart

Because I know I will survive that, I will love harder and deeper after that

I don’t ask that you stay, because I know you will

I ask that you would be honest with me

See me for who I am

Take in the aggression with the silence

The kindness and insults

The many mistakes

The physical pain and complaints

 

Hold out your arms and take me all in

I am yours.

 

And if you find yourself wishing you were anywhere else, with anyone else just tell me and leave.

 

Because you are too beautiful of a soul to live unfulfilled.

And I am too blunt of a sword to be wielded by someone that doesn’t know or understand my power.

I am a selfish lover, demanding to be your only weapon.

I am hard work, missed signals and misunderstandings.

Playing anything other only has never interested me.

 

Don’t try and keep me with promises of a flowery future.

I prefer wild creeping plants, deep greens and tall dark trees with lichen.

I can plant my own garden

But I chose to do it with you.

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Run out.

Is there much of a place for someone who can’t accept criticism? Can’t build on people’s well ment comments. Can’t add to themselves.

Is there any room for one who insists on who  they are without getting to know who that is and what that means?

I mean what room is there for growth without making the effort to discover how?
How do i sit here and be. Waiting to change. While consciously, purposefully avoiding all chances of that happening?

Listen.

There is self acceptance from self knowledge. Bringing self love.

And there is self deception.
A laziness from words stored inside you wont let out. There is fear of judgement from people who are better or worse. There is pretending you dont care and that this is not something you want. Or wanted.
There is jealousy of the successes of those who give enough of a fuck to put in the work. There is envy for the success and recognition you dont deserve.

There is me. Running around with all these words. Unwriten. If written, unpublished. If published unperformed. If performed not effective. Inneffective. I am.

Is there any room, any place at all for a poet who has run out of words? Out of buildings. Out of steam.

Songs into the darkness

Somehow it still hurts
Not belonging to someone
I have tried being okay with it
But there is something in me that craves commitment

Is it the fear of being alone?
The fear of losing ones mind?
I think if you are alone enough
You see yourself too clearly
And everything you have done
Is naked before you
You look yourself in the eye
And you cry
Trying comfort yourself
As only you can

That’s the way things have gone for me.
And in my order.
You meet someone.
Declare love.
Commit.
Change your mind.
Leave.
Repeat.

But i know that are we not just bodies
Trying to cling onto other bodies
While our minds run away.
Our spirits, our souls.
Change with each encounter
And i don’t know who I am becoming anymore.
I don’t know if it’s me
But what would I be without all these mistakes?
All these decisions to connect?
You and I are constantly running away from truths
That we know deep in ourselves
Because honesty with self is too hard.

And it’s become a habit
Loving a friend as more than one
And not seeing anything beyond that.
I haven’t ever had anything beyond that.
More than friends with benefits
When the only real benefit is a delusion of a relationship.
We get to feel all the emotion without the commitment
And I have sold myself the lie that I don’t know what I want.
I like to think that I want to belong to someone.
I like to think that I can wait for that.
I have learnt that I can’t.

So I will keep thinking
Convincing  myself that I am okay
Either way
Wasting
My time, energy and money
On things that fill me empty
Leave me hollow
Wanting more flesh
More fill
To be more full of something worth anything more than what I am right now.

And if you are honest
Tell me
What void are you attempting to fill?
Because late night poetry
Songs into the darkness
In the quiet
Help no one

Yet we still do this
Its empty release
Confused words
By an incomplete person.

 

Reliant

When I feel like I can’t sing anymore
Words trapped  in my throat
Songs lost in my mind
I rely on you
It’s just us two

When my voice no longer says things I want it to
When breathing is a chore
Living is a bore
And hurting is all I know how to do
I rely on you

When no one can give me a reason
To keep fighting
To keep living
I take a deep breath
Breathe in
And I find
On you I can rely

I have known for a while
That every body hides
And even though no one says it
It’s okay not to be okay
For a while
I don’t need anyone to save the day this time
I have you.
I’ll be fine

Why i write…

Hi everyone.
I don’t know if you have ever wondered why my blog is called clayjars144.

Well,  clay jars comes from 2 corinthians 4:7. 

 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us”

When i read this verse i decided who i wanted to be…for the last time. I decided to be a vessel for God’s glory. I say this in the most honest, non pretentious way possible and i mean it. 

What that means to me is letting God use me and my talents to do his perfect will. 

To make it practical, my goal is to use whatever experiences i go through (or those around me go through) in my poetry to impact people positively.

So the treasure is poetry. And i am the clay jar. 

The reason i am clay and not gold or silver?

2nd timothy 2:19-21

Well, one reason could be to keep the focus off me and on God. To show that he is the one that enables me to do this.

And dont get me wrong, its not “clay” to “project humility”. I acknowledge the treasure in me, but i also know where it comes from…it comes from God above.

As for second Timothy if we take it as it is…it is simple. God knows who His children are and there is a certain way that they should behave if they are God’s children. “Depart from eniquity”

The way i undertsand this is…because we are of God, we should behave like him. So departing from eniquity means being like Jesus. (Jesus is God)

And being like Jesus is just that. In the gospels (Mathew, Mark, Luke, John) there are multiple examples of how Jesus behaved. Told from different perspectives, by multiple people. 

For me the summary is, Jesus loved without discrimination, he was helpful, authoritative, a good leader, just, giving, caring, kind, intelligent, wise. Jesus acknowledged his emotions, felt them and moved beyond them. 

That is what i should be.

Mark 1:21-22

John 11:33-36

Now the different articles/utensils (2 Tim 2:20-21), in the same house for different uses. 

My understanding is that us making an effort to be like Jesus (not us “following strict rules”, not legalism*will result in us being in a position to be used by God for his good work. It means that we can be our individual selves, with our own destinies and passions and still be used by God if thats what we want!

In summary, clay jars is me saying that i want to be used by God. I want him to pour out the treasure in me. I want him to help me do good for him. 

I am okay with being fragile and Christ-like. I am a work in progress.

This isnt like what i usually post, but i just needed you to know the answer to a question you didnt ask, lol.

Lots of love

*mutheu*

*legalism is dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith*

Transcendence

Hi everyone. Its been a while since i posted. Just thought id share this work in progress. Let me know what you think.

 

 

I feel like i am stuck
So stuck in the rhelm of the physical
All i ever thing about are bodies
Hands on hands
Lips on cheeks
My eyes longing to see beyond the surface, but they never do

Ever since i went through that dark place
Ive been afraid to feel
Afraid to take even the smallest leap of faith
As if knowing disappointment is waiting to swallow me whole on the other side

I dont think ive ever wanted to feel more than i do now
But emotions run away from me
Just as i ran away from them
Must be pay back
The only thing im left with is bodies
Dancing in the dark corners of my mind
In the background of every dream i have
Always there

How do i transcend the physical?
How do i let myself feel again?
How do i move beyond the fear that you wont be here to pick up the pieces
When you leave?
Cause they all leave
So will you
But i think i want you to stay
And im wondering what will do the trick
What will make me feel again?
If i love you cant do it.

The Sky

Hi

Its been a while since I have posted anything here…so here we go.

This one is from maybe November 2015

THE SKY

It hung above us, fixed and weightless

Nebulous, constantly morphing

Transforming, revealing it self

As a mistake, spilt milk finger painted by an imaginative child

Smooth strokes

That migrated becoming more distinct

Shapes made by the wind

In the middle was a warm still glow

Raw egg yolk and white on a plate of blue sky

And it was the first to go

Eaten away to make room for grey as the sun was veiled

The birds defiant

Like dark misshaped arrows choosing their own paths..

“Do you ever wish you could fly?” I asked

You spoke of your childhood dream long lost

Drowned by logic, now a faint memory

You spoke of dimensions, you long to have your z axis

Height and depth that’s were only present in imagination

I smile, didn’t think of it that way

We only get to interact with the surface

We only get to stare at the sky