Songs into the darkness

Somehow it still hurts
Not belonging to someone
I have tried being okay with it
But there is something in me that craves commitment

Is it the fear of being alone?
The fear of losing ones mind?
I think if you are alone enough
You see yourself too clearly
And everything you have done
Is naked before you
You look yourself in the eye
And you cry
Trying comfort yourself
As only you can

That’s the way things have gone for me.
And in my order.
You meet someone.
Declare love.
Change your mind.

But i know that are we not just bodies
Trying to cling onto other bodies
While our minds run away.
Our spirits, our souls.
Change with each encounter
And i don’t know who I am becoming anymore.
I don’t know if it’s me
But what would I be without all these mistakes?
All these decisions to connect?
You and I are constantly running away from truths
That we know deep in ourselves
Because honesty with self is too hard.

And it’s become a habit
Loving a friend as more than one
And not seeing anything beyond that.
I haven’t ever had anything beyond that.
More than friends with benefits
When the only real benefit is a delusion of a relationship.
We get to feel all the emotion without the commitment
And I have sold myself the lie that I don’t know what I want.
I like to think that I want to belong to someone.
I like to think that I can wait for that.
I have learnt that I can’t.

So I will keep thinking
Convincing  myself that I am okay
Either way
My time, energy and money
On things that fill me empty
Leave me hollow
Wanting more flesh
More fill
To be more full of something worth anything more than what I am right now.

And if you are honest
Tell me
What void are you attempting to fill?
Because late night poetry
Songs into the darkness
In the quiet
Help no one

Yet we still do this
Its empty release
Confused words
By an incomplete person.




When I feel like I can’t sing anymore
Words trapped  in my throat
Songs lost in my mind
I rely on you
It’s just us two

When my voice no longer says things I want it to
When breathing is a chore
Living is a bore
And hurting is all I know how to do
I rely on you

When no one can give me a reason
To keep fighting
To keep living
I take a deep breath
Breathe in
And I find
On you I can rely

I have known for a while
That every body hides
And even though no one says it
It’s okay not to be okay
For a while
I don’t need anyone to save the day this time
I have you.
I’ll be fine

Why i write…

Hi everyone.
I don’t know if you have ever wondered why my blog is called clayjars144.

Well,  clay jars comes from 2 corinthians 4:7. 

 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us”

When i read this verse i decided who i wanted to be…for the last time. I decided to be a vessel for God’s glory. I say this in the most honest, non pretentious way possible and i mean it. 

What that means to me is letting God use me and my talents to do his perfect will. 

To make it practical, my goal is to use whatever experiences i go through (or those around me go through) in my poetry to impact people positively.

So the treasure is poetry. And i am the clay jar. 

The reason i am clay and not gold or silver?

2nd timothy 2:19-21

Well, one reason could be to keep the focus off me and on God. To show that he is the one that enables me to do this.

And dont get me wrong, its not “clay” to “project humility”. I acknowledge the treasure in me, but i also know where it comes from…it comes from God above.

As for second Timothy if we take it as it is…it is simple. God knows who His children are and there is a certain way that they should behave if they are God’s children. “Depart from eniquity”

The way i undertsand this is…because we are of God, we should behave like him. So departing from eniquity means being like Jesus. (Jesus is God)

And being like Jesus is just that. In the gospels (Mathew, Mark, Luke, John) there are multiple examples of how Jesus behaved. Told from different perspectives, by multiple people. 

For me the summary is, Jesus loved without discrimination, he was helpful, authoritative, a good leader, just, giving, caring, kind, intelligent, wise. Jesus acknowledged his emotions, felt them and moved beyond them. 

That is what i should be.

Mark 1:21-22

John 11:33-36

Now the different articles/utensils (2 Tim 2:20-21), in the same house for different uses. 

My understanding is that us making an effort to be like Jesus (not us “following strict rules”, not legalism*will result in us being in a position to be used by God for his good work. It means that we can be our individual selves, with our own destinies and passions and still be used by God if thats what we want!

In summary, clay jars is me saying that i want to be used by God. I want him to pour out the treasure in me. I want him to help me do good for him. 

I am okay with being fragile and Christ-like. I am a work in progress.

This isnt like what i usually post, but i just needed you to know the answer to a question you didnt ask, lol.

Lots of love


*legalism is dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith*


Hi everyone. Its been a while since i posted. Just thought id share this work in progress. Let me know what you think.



I feel like i am stuck
So stuck in the rhelm of the physical
All i ever thing about are bodies
Hands on hands
Lips on cheeks
My eyes longing to see beyond the surface, but they never do

Ever since i went through that dark place
Ive been afraid to feel
Afraid to take even the smallest leap of faith
As if knowing disappointment is waiting to swallow me whole on the other side

I dont think ive ever wanted to feel more than i do now
But emotions run away from me
Just as i ran away from them
Must be pay back
The only thing im left with is bodies
Dancing in the dark corners of my mind
In the background of every dream i have
Always there

How do i transcend the physical?
How do i let myself feel again?
How do i move beyond the fear that you wont be here to pick up the pieces
When you leave?
Cause they all leave
So will you
But i think i want you to stay
And im wondering what will do the trick
What will make me feel again?
If i love you cant do it.

The Sky


Its been a while since I have posted anything here…so here we go.

This one is from maybe November 2015


It hung above us, fixed and weightless

Nebulous, constantly morphing

Transforming, revealing it self

As a mistake, spilt milk finger painted by an imaginative child

Smooth strokes

That migrated becoming more distinct

Shapes made by the wind

In the middle was a warm still glow

Raw egg yolk and white on a plate of blue sky

And it was the first to go

Eaten away to make room for grey as the sun was veiled

The birds defiant

Like dark misshaped arrows choosing their own paths..

“Do you ever wish you could fly?” I asked

You spoke of your childhood dream long lost

Drowned by logic, now a faint memory

You spoke of dimensions, you long to have your z axis

Height and depth that’s were only present in imagination

I smile, didn’t think of it that way

We only get to interact with the surface

We only get to stare at the sky


Yesterday I found myself thinking about my vision for the future. What do I want to do after I get this degree. After I become a dentist, what next? It was then that I realized, that I had stopped dreaming.
I hadn’t really given it much thought. I had gotten so lost in mess and struggle of becoming a dentist that I never thought of figuring out what is next. Not only that, but the fact that I will be a dentist was hardly ever in my mind. What I was thinking about was just making it through the day, or that class or that ward round. Not really having the big picture in mind.

I guess that happens to most of us. We set goals, and as we are working towards achieving them, we lose sight of them and get lost in the nitty gritty of it all. Especially long term goals.

So the question is, what is the solution?
Is it to set short term goals within the larger goal?
Is it to keep reminding ourselves of the goal at hand?
Is it to set completely new goals?

I guess it can be a combination of all of the above. I think it is important to keep in mind where you are going, otherwise how will you know when you get there. Its easy to get lost in the journey. So remind yourself why you chose that career, why you are studying for that degree, why you are in that job. Write about it, look at pictures of it, keep it in your mind. That way the tough times will be easier to manage.

Short term goals must be set, to keep your motivation up, so that you are always working towards something.

When it comes to setting completely goals you need to have a concrete reason for abandoning your old ones. Only then can you be absolutely sure of what direction to take. Its too easy to give up on one thing you thought you were passionate about and take up something else just because you have lost interest. You need to know why you have lost interest and if you really have. Once you are sure you are ready to move on, find that new focus and set those goals.

Having said all that, I am still working on this myself. Just wanted to let you know that you can achieve your dreams and attain your goals. You just need to remember what they are and work towards them.

natural revolution

When I was younger I always wanted to be another race. Nappy hair was never the in thing. Rather be that Indian chick with the long flowing ebony locks touching my lower back. Or that Caucasian with the blond waterfall from scalp to skin of neck or forearm. But that was never me, the God lord thought better. Everytime I tried to straighten it would just hang in the air, never fall back as if expecting something. Better things from me? I don’t know. And I don’t know when it got into a young black girls head that her hair was ment to be straight, call it colonial influence, subliminal, or not, messages from the air waves. I don’t know. And its sad to say that It got me, relaxed at maybe 10 and it was cool for a while, but my hair never satisfied my desires. Always too short,not thick enough, not the right color. I judged myself. Dont get me wrong,I’m not hating on you for relaxing ur hair, guy or chick. No hate for the weavers, Brazilian, Indian or whatever. Just do u,be comfortable in ur own hair…and skin. Let the journey begin, I decided to go natural again when I came to the motherland, Kenya. Though I grew up in another land and I struggled to keep up with it, but it has helped me embrace who I am. I find it funny that we are judged my the dead cells sprouting out of our heads like grass, no weeds. That that dude gna hate on you cause you put a weave, that she gna point you out as a revolutionary cause of ur nappy hair. I encourage you not to care. Cause though your hair don’t fall straight, its not any less yours,though it does, doesn’t make u secure. No matter how you twist it, it can’t hide sadness even if you are bald you can display a multitude of happiness. Chin up hair down, or floating. Do you, come through and show the hatters that you are your own revolution. This was supposed to be a performance piece, but yeah. Here it is. 😊