One story

I am finally realizing what love means

After years of guessing and being afraid to say it

Years of saying it and not knowing what it means

Now I say and mean it

I am in love with you

 

Its not as romantic as I thought it would be

Its practical and messy

Honestly you annoy me sometimes

Trying to solve everything like a puzzle or a sum

When I want to discuss it like a poem

 

When we started talking a year ago

I got the feeling I was a problem you needed to solve, I didn’t want to be

You called me insecure

Told me I needed help

 

I didn’t ask you to help me, but here you are.

 

I told you yesterday that its stupid of you to ask me to promise not to be someone that will nag you in the future.

 

Yes.

 

And its stupid for me to say I love you forever and always, when I just started

Its idiotic for me to want you here constantly and yet be so frightened that you will bore me.

It doesn’t make any sense that it feels like you’ve been mine for longer than I have been.

That I am so aware of every moment we’re together, I keep it logged in my mind.

 

How I feel

How I think you feel

How we breathe.

The way the sunlight touched your face in the matatu on our way home.

How you say home when you mean my place, when you mean me.

How you say you will never leave and I believe.

How I am crying as I write this.

 

I confess I have never felt this soft

As if loving one immensely makes you kinder

Pliable like the clay I am

Yet you have never tried to change my shape

More sensitive to everyone’s feelings and thoughts

More likely to take risks, to fall, not because you will catch me, but because you fall with me

More vulnerable to joy and pain

And for some reason closer to God, more likely to pray

More determined to stay by your side

 

I don’t ask that you don’t break my heart

Because I know I will survive that, I will love harder and deeper after that

I don’t ask that you stay, because I know you will

I ask that you would be honest with me

See me for who I am

Take in the aggression with the silence

The kindness and insults

The many mistakes

The physical pain and complaints

 

Hold out your arms and take me all in

I am yours.

 

And if you find yourself wishing you were anywhere else, with anyone else just tell me and leave.

 

Because you are too beautiful of a soul to live unfulfilled.

And I am too blunt of a sword to be wielded by someone that doesn’t know or understand my power.

I am a selfish lover, demanding to be your only weapon.

I am hard work, missed signals and misunderstandings.

Playing anything other only has never interested me.

 

Don’t try and keep me with promises of a flowery future.

I prefer wild creeping plants, deep greens and tall dark trees with lichen.

I can plant my own garden

But I chose to do it with you.

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Songs into the darkness

Somehow it still hurts
Not belonging to someone
I have tried being okay with it
But there is something in me that craves commitment

Is it the fear of being alone?
The fear of losing ones mind?
I think if you are alone enough
You see yourself too clearly
And everything you have done
Is naked before you
You look yourself in the eye
And you cry
Trying comfort yourself
As only you can

That’s the way things have gone for me.
And in my order.
You meet someone.
Declare love.
Commit.
Change your mind.
Leave.
Repeat.

But i know that are we not just bodies
Trying to cling onto other bodies
While our minds run away.
Our spirits, our souls.
Change with each encounter
And i don’t know who I am becoming anymore.
I don’t know if it’s me
But what would I be without all these mistakes?
All these decisions to connect?
You and I are constantly running away from truths
That we know deep in ourselves
Because honesty with self is too hard.

And it’s become a habit
Loving a friend as more than one
And not seeing anything beyond that.
I haven’t ever had anything beyond that.
More than friends with benefits
When the only real benefit is a delusion of a relationship.
We get to feel all the emotion without the commitment
And I have sold myself the lie that I don’t know what I want.
I like to think that I want to belong to someone.
I like to think that I can wait for that.
I have learnt that I can’t.

So I will keep thinking
Convincing  myself that I am okay
Either way
Wasting
My time, energy and money
On things that fill me empty
Leave me hollow
Wanting more flesh
More fill
To be more full of something worth anything more than what I am right now.

And if you are honest
Tell me
What void are you attempting to fill?
Because late night poetry
Songs into the darkness
In the quiet
Help no one

Yet we still do this
Its empty release
Confused words
By an incomplete person.

 

Reign

​It falls from the sky

Dances across each puddle
To its own rhythm
Creating
its on beat as it goes
If you listen closely
Its applauding its self as it increases
Each drop crowning itself as it enters the water
Rewarding itself for its extensive voyage
Breaking the stillness
Ripples unique forming figureprints
In it i see the hand of my God
Making himself know to me in the storm
Reigning in nature
In the torrential downpour
In the whisper of the winds
The falling of leaves
Changing of seasons
Laughter of children
Its in your voice
Its in this lense that He has given me
So i can see in more clarity
That He is everything

(c) 2017

Romans 1:20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities–his eternal power and divine nature–have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

Lightning

​There is something about lightening in a thunder storm

I love it.
Just the lightning.

The contrast of light on dark
The way the trees prickle through
Spider legs stretch out on the full moon sky

Just the visuals
A sudden spark in a sea of black
A revelation of what was hidden in the darkness
An epiphany
Suddenly my eyes can see more
Further than they ever have
These are storms on the ground.

And storms in the sky
Have an overwhelming beauty
Comfortable on a cusion of cloud
Complications commenced below me
Cotton as far as my eyes could see
The expanse stretched far and wide
With valleys and hills
Distortions of shapes and sizes
All made of tiny droplets of water
It birthed glowing rods of light
Thrown from one to another
And to the unseen ground below me

My words dont do justice to unfold the scene that was before me

I love lightning in thunder storms

Ivy

The Sky

Hi

Its been a while since I have posted anything here…so here we go.

This one is from maybe November 2015

THE SKY

It hung above us, fixed and weightless

Nebulous, constantly morphing

Transforming, revealing it self

As a mistake, spilt milk finger painted by an imaginative child

Smooth strokes

That migrated becoming more distinct

Shapes made by the wind

In the middle was a warm still glow

Raw egg yolk and white on a plate of blue sky

And it was the first to go

Eaten away to make room for grey as the sun was veiled

The birds defiant

Like dark misshaped arrows choosing their own paths..

“Do you ever wish you could fly?” I asked

You spoke of your childhood dream long lost

Drowned by logic, now a faint memory

You spoke of dimensions, you long to have your z axis

Height and depth that’s were only present in imagination

I smile, didn’t think of it that way

We only get to interact with the surface

We only get to stare at the sky