Poetry

After all that

I felt more than i wanted to feel yesterday. And i am still processing. This is how i do it.
I dont understand why it is wrong
For me to feel what i feel
Why pain is something to get over
Not something to experience

Why me experiencing it
Makes you mad
Makes you uncomfortable
I love you
But i love myself to

And i will do whats right for me
Even when you dont understand
Im used to confusion
My own and that of others

So dont feel sorry for me
I hate that
Dont ask me whats wrong
I wont tell you

And maybe you are right
(You often are, eventually)
Maybe you wont be there when i am ready to talk.

But i know i will be okay.
But not until i am ready to be.
*mutheu*

I want this to be true. Its just that id rather feel what i feel than work to try and get rid of it.

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Poems, Poetry, Prose

Rolling

​You affect me

And it pisses me off
I thought
No, i was sure that i was long past the stage of crushes
That feelings were things i couldnt catch anymore
Like i was immune
But you
Walk into the room and i swear there is a spot light on me
Ive never had stage fright but i know everyone knows that you are on my mind
I avoid looking at you at all costs
But i do love the sound of your voice
I dont like who you pretend to be
Wish you would just show yourself
But i guess you did
To her
And me?
I dont know.
God told me to keep quiet.
My thoughts are screaming
But ill keep silent
Distance he said
Im not lying
Ill miss you
But im tired of your kind
The charming
Unassuming
Clueless
Adorable
Intelligent
Taken kind
Im tired of the taken kind.

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Uncategorized

What it is…

When did disapppointment become indifferrence
When did i start to notice your spelling mistakes and not the words you say
When did i love you become, he knows and it doesnt make a difference. He is still the same
When did i miss you become a sad song then silence then words i just say
Stating the obvious
Like i miss the sun on a rainy day
I miss my family everyday
I miss us
We used to talk
You said you felt guilty that we dont
I told you not to, but i meant i dont care what you feel
Because when i left Kenya
You left me
Even before that
When you saw my broken pieces
The filth under my beauty
The stretch marks and scars
You realized i am not who you thought i was
You said you hated me
Then you said you didnt mean it
You said things will never be the same
And i felt it

You cut yourself off from me
Maybe you are just like the rest
Once you discovered that i wouldnt let you touch me
You went out of touch
You realized you couldnt have my flesh and bones
That this spirit wouldnt allow this body to be yours despite its soul
This smile and laugh and voice
Carry words that can be poison bitter or sweet nector bringing healing and hapiness
And you found the latter
That this body is not yours to have
Until you hold my hand forever
And i take yours for eternity

So tough
Thats how its going to be
I have lost confidence in you
My love for you is a hazy memory at the back of my mind
Behind the hate, sorrow and tears
Behind the pain
Underneath the rejection
I didnt even remeber to pray for you this afternoon
Thats how it is

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