Poetry

After all that

I felt more than i wanted to feel yesterday. And i am still processing. This is how i do it.
I dont understand why it is wrong
For me to feel what i feel
Why pain is something to get over
Not something to experience

Why me experiencing it
Makes you mad
Makes you uncomfortable
I love you
But i love myself to

And i will do whats right for me
Even when you dont understand
Im used to confusion
My own and that of others

So dont feel sorry for me
I hate that
Dont ask me whats wrong
I wont tell you

And maybe you are right
(You often are, eventually)
Maybe you wont be there when i am ready to talk.

But i know i will be okay.
But not until i am ready to be.
*mutheu*

I want this to be true. Its just that id rather feel what i feel than work to try and get rid of it.

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Poems

Assumptions (1)

Assumptions
Who are you to ask me who i am?
Hold up
You dont ask me, you tell me
Saying it one more time…”Your not kenyan”

I am not kenyan?
Me?
Well then…

Who made you the governing authority on all that is Kenyan?
Do you want to see my ID? My passport?
So there are white Kenyans, Indian Kenyans, but apparently Kenyans from the diaspora aren’t real kenyans?

Come again?
Is it cause my accent is different from yours?
Are the kikuyu and kamba accents the same?
The kisi and Luo and Luya?
Are they? No

So why does my accent amuse you?
Yes, yours amuses me
But i never question your nationality.
So what makes you think you can question mine?

I know my mother tongue…but no i dont speak it.
I know swahili, but i dont speak it that often..
Honestly because i don’t have the “swahili accent” (whatever that means) so you laugh when i speak like its a joke.
The only joke here is you thinking you can define a nationality by and accent.
Or even by knowledge of geography.
Or knowledge of language.
Or least of all personality.

I am tired of that question.
“Are you Kenyan?”
I am!

Can we move on now…

*if not…refer to the beginning of this piece cause im tired of your assumptions*

*Mutheu*

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Poetry

Heartbeat


I breathe you in slow
Its a reflection of how i want to love
Then i inhale it all fast as i look deep into your soul
I hope you see me
I show you in my eyes
What my lips cant speak
I show you with my body
What my eyes dont say
And when i show you with my heart and the words of my mouth
You run away
I won’t say its okay
Its not

And i am not pretty
Nor am i beautiful
I am profound, formidable, enchanting
I wont make you see that.
I used to work so hard on imposing my awesome on everyone
Making my greatness clear
But what is great is that it didn’t work
People who thought of me as less than continued to do so
And so i saw the truth
People will do what’s good for them
So i will too

After all
I am just passing through
I am determined to be good to those
That i find on my path
But their smiles dont light it up
God does
My dreams do
Ambitions, affirmations, action
Faith will pull me through

I believe
I am no longer afraid of myself
My faults and flaws are beautiful
My scars are pretty
My darkness is life
My pain is progress

Heart still beating fast
From my last encounter with what i thought was love
When all the love was within me
Heartbeat slow from realization
Epiphanies sedate me
But my heartbeat is kept
So till my last breath
I will breathe life in
Take adventure into my lungs
Gulp it down and sometimes sip slow
But i will never stop trying
I will never let myself go
But you….i can live without…
With or without you all…i will thrive

*mutheu*

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Poetry

Sweet and sour (4): Mourning

In the hollow of the morning
When sleep is still fresh in my eyes
I question everything
My intensions
My love

My love
The love i wish i had
That love only you can give
I like to play you out in my mind like a song
To hear your voice on repeat in my ears
Feel each note in my soul

And oh…

On my skin
Marks of passion long gone
I wish they were yours

I have so many songs in my mind
I hope against all that the right ones will fade in time
And when i see you again
I know i will hide
I will try
Retreating into myself
For some relief
Cause i believe

You will never love me like i do you
You will never want me like i do you
And i am taken
Aback by my longing
That should have expired by now
But that time is but an instant in eternity
And time, it doesnt heal instantly
Wouldnt let it if it tried
I like
To have every image of you linger in my mind
But ill go to blackness
It is necessary when i go back
Back to sadness
My love
I am
Mourning in the morning

*Mutheu*

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Poetry

Transcendence

HiĀ everyone. Its been a while since i posted. Just thought id share this work in progress. Let me know what you think.

 

 

I feel like i am stuck
So stuck in the rhelm of the physical
All i ever thing about are bodies
Hands on hands
Lips on cheeks
My eyes longing to see beyond the surface, but they never do

Ever since i went through that dark place
Ive been afraid to feel
Afraid to take even the smallest leap of faith
As if knowing disappointment is waiting to swallow me whole on the other side

I dont think ive ever wanted to feel more than i do now
But emotions run away from me
Just as i ran away from them
Must be pay back
The only thing im left with is bodies
Dancing in the dark corners of my mind
In the background of every dream i have
Always there

How do i transcend the physical?
How do i let myself feel again?
How do i move beyond the fear that you wont be here to pick up the pieces
When you leave?
Cause they all leave
So will you
But i think i want you to stay
And im wondering what will do the trick
What will make me feel again?
If i love you cant do it.

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Poetry

Lions, tigers, bears and love.

You scare me
So intense you might burn me to ashes
One look in your eyes
And i was like
Damn
What have i gotten myself into
I didnt know you could actually fall for someone
Untill i fell into your eyes that day
A deep brown
“Brown eyes are just brown eyes, until their not.”
I sunk into your soul
             A willing titanic
                 Intertwined with your thoughts
                     I found some missing
                        She took them
She can keep those
      Cause we have our own
          You did for me
            What no one else ever did
               And may never do

And im frightened
   That falling in love will never be like this
      No one will ever reach this standard
        Understanding comparisons are wrong
          You’re incomparable
            Unatainable
              A figment of a figment

Id rather have lions, tigers and bears kind of love. Than live in the shadow of your missing words and unsaid thoughts.
It doesnt take away the fear.

Having only myself to blame
Only my thoughts to fall for.
I am content here.
In my mind palace.
                                   I
                                   Am
                                   Content.
This song inspired the poem above.

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