I am finally realizing what love means
After years of guessing and being afraid to say it
Years of saying it and not knowing what it means
Now I say and mean it
I am in love with you
Its not as romantic as I thought it would be
Its practical and messy
Honestly you annoy me sometimes
Trying to solve everything like a puzzle or a sum
When I want to discuss it like a poem
When we started talking a year ago
I got the feeling I was a problem you needed to solve, I didn’t want to be
You called me insecure
Told me I needed help
I didn’t ask you to help me, but here you are.
I told you yesterday that its stupid of you to ask me to promise not to be someone that will nag you in the future.
And its stupid for me to say I love you forever and always, when I just started
Its idiotic for me to want you here constantly and yet be so frightened that you will bore me.
It doesn’t make any sense that it feels like you’ve been mine for longer than I have been.
That I am so aware of every moment we’re together, I keep it logged in my mind.
How I feel
How I think you feel
How we breathe.
The way the sunlight touched your face in the matatu on our way home.
How you say home when you mean my place, when you mean me.
How you say you will never leave and I believe.
How I am crying as I write this.
I confess I have never felt this soft
As if loving one immensely makes you kinder
Pliable like the clay I am
Yet you have never tried to change my shape
More sensitive to everyone’s feelings and thoughts
More likely to take risks, to fall, not because you will catch me, but because you fall with me
More vulnerable to joy and pain
And for some reason closer to God, more likely to pray
More determined to stay by your side
I don’t ask that you don’t break my heart
Because I know I will survive that, I will love harder and deeper after that
I don’t ask that you stay, because I know you will
I ask that you would be honest with me
See me for who I am
Take in the aggression with the silence
The kindness and insults
The many mistakes
The physical pain and complaints
Hold out your arms and take me all in
I am yours.
And if you find yourself wishing you were anywhere else, with anyone else just tell me and leave.
Because you are too beautiful of a soul to live unfulfilled.
And I am too blunt of a sword to be wielded by someone that doesn’t know or understand my power.
I am a selfish lover, demanding to be your only weapon.
I am hard work, missed signals and misunderstandings.
Playing anything other only has never interested me.
Don’t try and keep me with promises of a flowery future.
I prefer wild creeping plants, deep greens and tall dark trees with lichen.
I can plant my own garden
But I chose to do it with you.